psychology dissertation

At last, found a theory that I’d say could beat Florence Liteuraneur 4 temperaments’ theory! The Alpha Male Syndrome, written by Kate Ludeman and Eddie Erlandson , is an excellent book that unveil the phenomenon of turf wars at work and in life.

Yes, I’m guilty of reading too many personality theories and over analyzing them until I don’t know which theory is the absolute truth. Sometimes it is good not to be carried away by your curiosity that wants to know more and more, because too much information would only create clusters. Having selective memories do really help your brain not to overwork. Therefore, after years of conductive study on human behavior, I decided to stick with the most practical theory when it comes personality observation, the 4 temperaments theory: the choleric, melancholy, sanguine and phlegmatic theory. The zodiac sign, astrology, blood type, genetic analogy, type A-B-C personalities theories are well, let’s be honest, interesting to know but not very practical and accurate. I’ve known too many people who are born on the exact date of birth but very different in terms of characters. Yes we know that genetic codes do play a significant role in determining one’s primary character, but those impacts are nothing in comparison to the impact made by circumstances over the years. So I’ll say that if one would trust zodiac sign and astrology explanations on human behavior observation, well, they are just invalid.

However, this theory concluded by Ludeman and Erlandson is very truthful and applicable. The alpha male syndrome actually is sort of explaining the strength and weaknesses of a type A personality person, specifically in the work place. The first chapter of the book is very general and boring. Yes we all know that a type A personality person is a high achiever, one that will do whatever it takes to excel to the top, is stubborn, explosive, impatient and bla bla bla. I’m like okay I’ve known a type A person front and back, side to side, half up and half down, this book is such a waste of money. I’ve put it down in my office desk for 3 days, but this Wednesday morning is so damn boring that I have nothing better to do, so I picked up the book and started to read, and Damn the book is worth much more that the pennies that I’ve paid for.

I’ve never read any book that could tell me the explanations behind a double personality, how to embrace them, how to confront the double personality and how to stop the antagonist side from appearing, how to decode a type A personality person who wears mask when dealing with you and brings out their vulnerable side. I’m like, “This is great stuff!”

See, I’ve discovered that all Type A personalities that I’ve known in real life, do have more than one personality. I know that for a fact. Anyone who is smart enough and strong enough in character wise and successful enough in their lives could put on different personalities for different occasions. And they could play those different characters flawlessly. Some people are aware of the fact of their multiple personalities; the others just do it unconsciously. The multiple personalities just take turn to show up naturally when they are needed.

These multiple personalities are developed over the years, not genetic but because of circumstance, and formed as one proceed in the stages of life. The alpha male syndrome states 3 personas that a type A person do possesses, namely the heroes, the villain and the victim. When the person is performing at his best, he becomes the heroes, when his territory is vandalized he turns into the villain, and when he felt mistreated (mostly because of his own fault) he puts on the victim mask. The characters of every persona is totally different, take a note that we are talking about one same person here.

IT is true that a type B and type C person would not excel as high as a type A person, since history and headline news prove that most leaders, most winners and most high achievers are a type A person, but the irony is also true that type B person does not stress out as much as a Type A person, does not break down, worry, feel anxious, or to the horror of all type A person, would suffer the risk of failing or defeated or injured as badly as a Type A.

A type A person might have the capability of soaring high to reach the corporate top, but with huge asset comes huge liabilities as well. Their liability comes in the emotional department. It’s emotional breakdown for women and blow-up for men. I’ve been blessed to have too many type A people in my life, my dad, my brother, my best friends, and my ex-boyfriends, who have not only inspired, but motivated, encouraged and have become a role model that brings out the very best in me. However, I cannot help but wonder how could such a shinning star, when they are at their worst, could turn into a totally different person. They could turn into their total opposite. A confident person could become so insecure and anxious. A wise and careful person could become so impulsive and making a totally stupid decision. A smart and successful person could harm and destruct oneself in a way that even a normal person would not dare to do.

Ludeman and Erlandson suggest a cure to the Alpha Male Syndrome that I would say to be very helpful. Identify the villain in you and talk to him. Okay, this stuff has nothing to do with horror movies or ilmu jiwa. This is psychology 301: dissertation. This method is very accommodating to differentiate and separate the three characters in you, yes I’m addressing this to all the confused type A person who must have for once at least wondered “who is the real me?”, “How could I do or say such thing? That is so not me.” Because if one person keeps changing masks and different personas, one will start to lose his or her true identity and would not be able to recognize oneself anymore. In other words, the multiple personalities would take control over him or her. Therefore, after you identify the antagonist and weak personalities, it will be easier to control them, after all you cannot kill the antagonist and the fragile sides of you.

The authors suggest that we ask question such as, “Since when does my antagonist influences me? In what situation does it usually appear? What impact has it caused? How could I self destruct in a very stressful situation?” all that kinda stuff. Well, that’s what I did for 2 hours in the office this morning. At it has been an enlightening experience in a self-seeking way haha. Alrightee, hopefully you find a pencarahan too.

the bachelorette : episode 1

Two weeks since they first have been introduced, Microsoft called and asked her out. She did not pick up, of course, because she did not save his mobile number (on purpose. So that when she sits at home on saturday night, she would not be tempted to call him first, and loses ground.) Rule number one: never call first. Rule number two: never pick up anonymous numbers. (dont ask why and just do it. Trust me!) Wait until the caller sms you to tell who she or he is.

Therefore, when the anon number identify himself to be microsoft, she jumped out of her office chair in excitement. "Damn you!!", she screamed inside her head. She accepted the offer for an afternoon coffee on Sunday. She has always loved a school smart, another point scored when the school smart turns out to be a book lover. When he took her out on Sunday, the book store was their chosen destination before settling down for a cup of cappucinno.

After a brief 30 minutes of wondering around the book store, he picked up a couple of good books from the business and IT session. She picked up a harper bazaar for herself. She, accidentally, looked at the price label of the glossiest book out of his stacks, and her eyes widened. "700 thousand for a book, and he picked up 5 books that would cost probably similar to that one. Damn! i love books but rather spend those amount of money on shoes, or BEBE. The man surely loves to read" So she asked him, "Banyak banget belinya. emang berapa lama ngabisinya?" Then he said "Iya hobby sih. kamu juga kan? Di friendsternya ajah bilang a good book worth more than tiffany's.Enak banget yang jadi pacar kamu, entar ngelamarnya gak usah pake diamond. pake buku aja"

of course he knows that she does not mean that phrase literally, or wait, do you think that if someone says so, you think she would mean she prefers books over diamond literally? ARGH she is so going to edit that phrase before someone would get down of his knees before her and presents her with a john maxwell while asking her to marry him. That would be horrific! Anyway this is a not to all the men out there, just in case the girl you are chasing likes to play with metaphors like her, no matter how low-profile, or intellectual, or insane or even nerdy a girl is, she would not choose book over diamond. Never. til the day when Jesus comes back. Never.

But, just to save her face in front of her super cute and super smart and super nice date of the day, and not letting her ego be thrown in her face, she walked to the corporate aisle and picked up a glossy book which review she had read in Times magazines ages ago (good choice equals good taste equals good conversation topic for their coffee session), which would also cause her to not being able to purchase the TOPSHOP tee that she had been wanting to purchase since last month. NOTE to readers: she's only a normal girl, so she is allowed to be shallow occasionally.

At the end of the day, Microsoft and the bachelorette do have a great time talking about business, books and life over a cup of capuccino and a stawberry cheesecake. They might see each other again for another book shopping, but until then, the bachelorette learnt her lesson. Rule number 3: when caught in a life and death situation, choose life. (whatever it takes, just hang on to your dear life) By the way, the book that she picks up: The alpha male. Turns out to be an execellent reading. It is worth sacrificing a TOPSHOP tee, literally.

saturday morning

It's a cloudy morning, with a little raining here on the street of kemang raya, everyone behind me, behind my office desk and computer, have got a little grumpy because of well, you know, work thing. Late delivery, delayed payment, defect in delivered items, bla bla bla. Yah, yah memang kenyataanya orang kerja kaya begitu yah, every new day, every new problem, and this little junior asscociate director has got nothing better to do but to catch up with her morning reading and writing. yahh mo diapain lagi yah? namanya juga kesalahan orang produksi, mo kita ngomel2 seharian juga, wont help to fix the problem.

Anyway, i'm still hooked up on reading biographies. I'm so hooked up in reading pages and pages of articles and stories on the richest man in China: the great Li Ka Shing. He is the first asian that i googled, haha. As much as i love to study the american business tycoon and European artists, i have to go back to heritage, right! Shame on me, i never heard of the name Li Ka Shing until the arrogant Sherlock laughed at me last night, and said "you read warren buffet, trump and all that, but dont know what makes Li Ka Shing so bloody rich, and you call yourself a chinese?"

Iya deh, i admit that the only chinese stories that i am profound of is the history of 3 kingdoms that i read from Legenda Naga (yeah, that does not count) So, i spare my morning to learn about this tycoon and well may be later i'll read on Sun Tzu as well. So apart from the fact that this person's net asset is $22 billion US (forbes 2007), i've researched sum interesting stories on him.

First of all the guy owns Hutchison Whampoa Ltd. (that means, i've worked for the billionaire once. i'm so gonna get back on Sherlock and tell him this!), the license to operate legal casino in Macau, Cheung Kong Holdings, was once a chairman of HSBC and he was invited by Deng Xiaoping to become a member of the board of directors of the China International Trust and Investment Corporation (CITIC) It is China's largest conglomerate and is 42 percent owned by the government of China. Its

function is to serve as the chief investment arm of China's central government and holds ministry status on the Chinese State Council.

Okay, enough of the impressive-slash-boring-facts. Some notable, good enough for entertainment facts on him are his personal stories of course. He has two multibillionaire heir, the youngest one, richard li, is ranked 32nd on the list of the richest men in China, is 40 years old and still single. So ladies, any of you interested in marrying the son of the richest person in china, grab your passport and fly to Hong Kong immediately. the oldest son, Victor Li, was once being kidnapped by the gangster Cheung Chi Keung in 1996. He asked for a ransom of $1 billion. That's a huge amount of money in '96. Though he got the ransom money, the guy should not messing around with the guy who practically owns China, because later on he was arrested and executed in Guang Zhao.

I was intrigued by a statement in the China Business Newspaper in regards to Li's wife. It states "Although she was the wife of Hong Kong's richest man, little is known of her other than that she died of natural causes in the 1980" Gossip tabloid at that time says that the cause of the death is not natural cause but suicide. Being a curious person that i am, i google the net wanting to read all of those gossips column. To my surprise, i found 0 (zero result). I put her name on the search engine and nothing significant appears. All that i could find is just a statement with similar tone to the quote that i put above. ANd i'm like, this is the world of freeflowing information even when i put a name of a nobody, like B or C list celebrity, pages and pages of stories would come up before me. Just look at the black Dahlia, even hollywood is doing a big screen her. But when it comes to the wife of the most powerfull businessman in Asia, NADAH! Eventhough, just very recently, her tomb had been vandalised by some people who hoped to find burried treasure there. Her husband did nothing buy saying that those vandalisers will have bad karma for the rest of their lives. (what?)

Some thinking then come across my mind, is it really that her husband tries to cover up everything, afterall he could hunt down a gangster and put him to the grave, what's the big deal in shutting up the media? Piece of cake. Or that is the way of life that any traditional wife of a business mogul in China has to endure? To really become a person di belakang layar, in this case, jauuuuuhhh di belakang, di ujung layar. Yiahh.. gw nulis posting ini jadi rada takut juga.. jangan2 entar tau2 ada mafia dari Hongkong nyariin gw untuk meng-edit tulisan ini. Hiiyy!! ya udah ahh.. enuf talking of Li kha sing.

Backk to my weekend.. where will we be having dinner tonight, dear? i reckon some places with a good red and chicken. Yes, i'm crossing the rule of matching red with white meat. They do go well together. There is no harm is matchmaking outside the box right? I'm so enjoying my chicken before all of them are dibantai for healthy reasons by the government. ciaoo..

politics talk

poor adam air!! out of all maskapai penerbangan indonesia (yang rasanya sih sama2 gak becusnya) why it must be them yang terus2an ketimpa musibah? Baru juga pemberitaan on the missing plane cools off, now comes another disaster on the damaged wings of the boeing 737-300. That's really what you call a misfortune! Most of my friends (who must have owned 9 lives) told me that they're so flying with adam air, for the low cost, because when you think about it, who can be that unfortunate to have a repeated accident twice in a row, in a very short period of time. The management must have done a very close inspection to make up for the bad publicity that they suffered. Well, you just guessed that right! They just scored another newspaper headline again 2 days ago.

after living in indo for 2 years, I started to have a deeper awareness on what is going on around me. You know, just like when u entered uni. during the 1st yr, you just tagged along and do what everyone told you to do. Your mind is not supposed to be used for thinking purpose, only taking in everything, all information that is presented before your eyes. But as soon as you enter the second year, you started to develop your own idea on how to do stuff. Like back in uni, I never know that you can come and see your tutor in private, to negotiate on assignment deadline. I worked my arse off and could barely score distinction. But you learnt the tricks and treats as you go along.

Anyway, i've learnt my part on how to see things in Indonesian society after i became an idealist for over a year. I opened my eyes and learnt many2 things as i go along. First, i've learnt that there is no such thing as a "too good to be true" offer in indonesia. I've just realised that everyone is sugar-coating their initial speech to make you accepting the deal that they offer. But even until everything is written in black and stamped with materai Rp.6000,00. Things could change in a way that you would never imagine. Too many politics, manipulation and lies that hide in every corner of the room

Every single guddamed decision that we've made here in the never-never-land is a political decision. Even every human person who breathe the Indonesian air, especially jakarta so polluted air, whom you've met everyday is a politician, running their personal and individual party. They are campaigning the airy-fairy promises, all of those marvellous things that they are going to give you, but as soon as they got your vote, janji hanya tinggalah janji. And i'm like, MAN! What about world peace?

Unfortunately, we are not running for Miss Universe's pagent where all we care about is world peace. In this world that we are living in, we have to fight for our own survival. The strong will eat the weak one alive. So, it's either you kill or be killed. Scary thought, huh? But hey, if you dare to dream big, if you want to enjoy the corner office, the director seat, the warm coffee delivered to you every morning, you gotta earn them, even if it's by the hardway. And yep, i have chosen to put my eggs in the high risk investment, i gotta join the election campaign and running for presidency, well in my office at least.

Scary thing about Indonesian politics, it is not only taking place in your cubicle, it is at home when you are trying to pass a referendum to the jam malem regulations, it is in your relationship when you are trying to compensate on what you and your partner can and cannot do, it's in your life for gucci sake. When it comes to politic wars, I reckon the hardest one that you have to fight is relationship politics. Especially, when you have chosen a “queen of England” or “USA president” kinda person to become your counterpart. You, know the kind of person whom are so smart that they believe that whatever that they’ll decide must have been the best decision for the nation, and so confident that they believe that they rule over the universe. okay2 enuf talking on relationship bitchin'.

Speaking of USA president, i reckon the upcoming election is so going to be huge. Barrack obama is suddenly coming to the surface out of nowhere. I've never heard of him before, but in a blink of an eye, suddenly every newspaper column (kompas) every business journal (forbes) , and every lifestyle magazine (yes OPRAH's magazine and harper bazaar) put on his face and profile and comments everywhere. Yeah, yeah cant help liking him as well, afterall his step father is an Indonesian, and Oprah and George clooney love him too. Forbes magazine just stated that Oprah has said that she will do anything in her power, she's the richest woman in the states and the most popular TV host in the world, to make him the president. Now talking about some competition for mrs clinton huh?

as for me, his speech below is the fundamental reason why he has my vote,

"It was because of these newfound understandings–that religious commitment did not require me to suspend critical thinking, disengage from the battle for economic and social justice, or otherwise retreat from the world that I knew and loved–that I was finally able to walk down the aisle of Trinity United Church of Christ one day and be baptized. It came about as a choice and not an epiphany; the questions I had did not magically disappear. But kneeling beneath that cross on the South Side of Chicago, I felt God's spirit beckoning me. I submitted myself to His will, and dedicated myself to discovering His truth"

lagi..lagii deehh...

so, i settle down in front of the computer, with a glass of water (haha! yes that's new. i'm reducing the caffeine intake, for as long as only God knows when, to improve my health) I think dunia ini memang sudah edan! Scorpio goes to church every sunday and Corleone is turning into a Gym freak. And their ex-girlfriend, moi, has not been to church since Christmas and never exercised, but keep binging on chocolate brownies. AH! and corleone keep quoting bible verses (thou his knowledge is very limited) when talking to me. I have officially become the bandel gurl who needs dikasi kuliah padat.

Afterall has been said and done, i've got into thinking about relationship again. I was talking to my dear salsa on the fone for an hour, during office hours, about relationship 100 (yes, we're back to the basics since she's stil 18). We're talking about "the package" of a potential boyfriend. She said, "cie caroline enak yah, pacarnya cakep2, keren2, smart, romantis lagi. Uda deh, tinggal merem ajah milih salah satu"

Her comment is absolutely right, except that they are in the wrong order. Harusnya: milih ajah salah satu terus tinggal merem. Well, what do you think the catch of having a so called perfect boyfriend anyway? Sebagai perempuan, yang memang sudah kodratnya untuk mengalah, we all have agreed that the more perfect a man is, the bigger the sacrifice that we have to make to retain them. My last exboyfriend, whom i will name moscato starting from now on, said "yah kalo semua yang keren terlalu perfect (baik), kasian kita yang biasa2 aja dong. gak kebagian apa2" Sudah pasti semua high quality bachelors itu banyak maunya, afterall that's what make them irresistable right? They know how to play their cards.

"Yah mau sampe kapan putting your heart on russian roullete, dear? Dating a romeo sih sama ajah kaya nanem bom waktu. Tinggal tunggu kapan waktunya hati kamu bakal meledak lagi." Begitulah nasehat temen2 saya after everytime i break up with 'em. I kept trying to prove them wrong, but over and over again, they're the one who prove me wrong. I tried to have a relationship with a decent guy whom in the end we are not connected emotionally, i tried to have a relationship with a bachelor who confessed that "dia sudah bertobat" and wanted a serious relationship, but after one year of trying to be a good boyfriend, his inner "buaya" minta dikasi makan.

Very true indeed, that we are all greedy human beings who want the perfect person with the perfect personality, and having the perfect relationship. Kalaupun ada orang yang perfect dan personality yang luar biasa mantap, pasti relationshipnya gak perfect karena kurang seru. Corleone has always treated me good, giving me his 100% trust, allows me to do anything that i want, taking me to romantic dinner everynow and then, and for some occassion he gives me red roses. But then, because everything seems to good to be true, i have always suspect that there must be something hidden under the rugs. But he has always said the right thing and that makes me to go insane. There never been jealosy, anger, tuntutan ini itu, the relationship becomes well, not very stimulating. It's very "carrie and aidan"

So bottom line, i tell my dear salsa, yah sudahlah, memang lebih enak menjomblo sajah. Lebih bagus buat kesehatan. Jablay itu lebih sehat daripada makan hati. Yah, se-engganya until we find out what we really want, has becoming a more stable and realistic person. Because it takes 2 mature people to tango until the curtain calls. To my defence for all of those who said that i cannot keep a relationship, well, i am admitting to that fact. Mungkin memang saya yang salah. Saya yang kurang bisa mengalah, kurang sabar and dont know how to be a good girlfriend. But i am a very good friend. In fact, i'm still having a relationship with my exes, a platonic one, that is. It's better than having 7 years relationship then never to speak to each other again. jadi, final note to my ex-slash-good-friends: we're good now, huh?

bringing sexy back

finally, i touched the lowest down and ready to get up.

Well, i've said this countless times before, the fact that when you get smacked down really hard in life, i say the best policy is not to pretend that you are okay, dont calm down yourself too fast and not giving time and space for yourself to break down and cry. Breaking down and let yourself to go under is too important for long term benefit.

If we pretend that we're okay, we are just menimbun bitterness and unresolved problem that later on would cause us bigger problem. So i would say, it is okay live in a mess for a while to embrace and accept the fact that life has been shittin' us badly.

Go on, break yourself down until you cannot go any lower anymore. Because when we've touched the bottom end, the only way afterwards, is up.

So, I discover that i have reached the bottom end last night, when having a tall latte with scorpio. The ex boyfriend whom i have olweis thought to be the most bandel of the most bandel people i know. He told me how "bandel" i am now. A hundred people can tell me that i am bandel and it would mean nothing, but when the king of bandel actually thinks that i am bandel.. damn! i must have screwed up big tymes.

Therefore, i went home that night and i said to myself, this is it! i wont harm myself and cause anymore damage to myself. Of course scorpio likes the bandel version of me much more than the terlalu lempeng version. But i make up my mind last night, that's is! the pity party is officially over, this gurlfriend is climbing her way back to the top.

Funny when you sink down to the bottom of the pool, you kinda fell asleep for a while, because you turned into a person you dont even recognise, you turned into someone you dont want to be, you become what the circumstances what you to become, you lost all the principles, the values and the characters that you hold so high previously. So, when i got the wake up call, eventually, i'm like: goodness me, i've been waaaayyss off track. But yea, there is no such thing as being too late to turn back. AFterall, what you are at your lowest point does not define who you are, and big gurls always wake up does not matter how deep she had fallen, rite :)

To my dearest scorpio: i know, you just have to bear with the boring version of me.. no more "gila-gilaaan" 24/7, babe! I'm staying at home, reading john maxwell and working on my work project. I'll see you di gereja jam 9 pagi.

and being a good gurl next door,
who knows what she believes in,
and knows where she is going,
knows what's her worth,
knows who she is and content with that
now that's what i call
sexy

fat, broke, and love affairs

back to blogging, finally, thanks to boredom attack at 15:41. Yes, i hav 2 hours to kill before i can leave the office and hit f'jl for monday afternoon cardio exercise. Those cardio exercise are really an order, in my defence, since i have not been exercising at all in the past 2 months. I am starting to hate the mirror and my newly purchased size 26 jeans Okay, so me friends (all of them) who have been forcing me to put on sum weights, congratulations! jakarta is really a place to rehab all of those nicole richie look alike. I've put on 4 pounds in less than a month. thanks to those huge banjir that caused me to be trapped at home for 5 days: nothing to do except eating, watching DVDs and sleep. Wooho! in 5 days all of my skinny jeans are feelin toooittt, mate! Yes, i dont fit into size 26 anymore..

Moreover, i got to confess to the sin of overspending, well, to put it in the exact words, i've used my credit card to the limit in less than 30 days, God forgive me. That's why i'm in desperate needs to go back to bandung for sin-ciah this weekend. I need suntikan dana to pay the bills. Again, in my defence, i would bet my gucci purse on this: that any sane, vogue-devotee, fashion TV lover, and Kate Moss worshipper gurl would not be able to resist tempation of not falling into the cardinal sin of overspending if she has to pass through a line of boutiques everyday, twice a day that is: on the way to and from work!. If there is anyone who could put her eyes straight on the road, i want the name of her theraphist.

anyhow, people are asking why i ended up taking this option eventhough the other options offer me bigger pays, My dear san2, who has been my bestfriend for a while, had guessed it right. "Pasti pengen dandan and pake baju a la art director yah, lin?" Iyaalaahh.. why would a 22 years old care for working in an established institution, contribute a significant value for the company, stressing over company's budgets and deadline, eventhough they pay big bucks, when she's been offered to a gallery to run and a new appartment to live. The employer had warned me that the job will be boring, that i would have nothing to do but to sit in front of my desk until potential buyers come to the front door. And i'm like, i wont be bored , i have a "project runway, devil wears prada, New-york Fashion week" production in my agenda. My long abandoned high waisted skirts, jersey dress, and peep-toe shoes are ready to breathe the kemang air. So yes, right now the wardrobe has taken the 4th week mark and the review has been fabulous so far.

Moreover,the city could not be more exciting now that all the major players are back in the game, yes, my game that is. Btw, i am allowed to talk like this. I am single. My male-reality-touchdown-best friend, mr. emosi, had said "kade siah, CLBK!" for like a hundred times by now. Well, too late, i am CLBK-ing, my friend. And.. ahh say hello to sum new contenders : the arrogant, lazy but his IQ is 140 so it's okay to be lazy, argumentative, sharp tongue, sarcastic, bae yong jun looking hunk whom i will name: sherlock. Yes finally, found someone who is qualified to be named sherlock! I was hooked after an intense 3 hours arguments on the topic of human behaviour 301 with him over dinner. He is so pedes that he almost made me cry.

And microsoft: yes a computer geek who is unbelievable smart as well. I cant believe someone so young could have his own IT company that he started from scratched, paid for his education in the states for over 5 years, and owns property in the states as well. Now that is a high quality bachelor. Plus, he is cute, has toned arms and wears diesel jeans. So cute that i talked my boss into buying a software system for our gallery from him. (okay, our gallery actually does not need a software system. But who cares? might come handy one day haha)

Apparently, i have not learnt any better after all these tymes. My brother had warned me that moving to jakarta on my own is like entering sarang penyamun, good looking, charming, intelligent- executive, sleek, heart-breaker type of penyamun that is. So, all of my single gurlfriends out there, i'll say bring your gorgeous self to sarang penyamun, where the boutiques are fine, the food are divine, the martini is a killer, and the sight seeing is totally awesome. Cheers

Let the verdicts be known

Okay, so here are some updates from the gurl who had been interviewed countless times.

So i met the director of company A who had done a review on my performance for the past 7 days. I sat with him for not less than an hour to discuss those reviews, one by one. I mean, i had to take a photograph to show evidence of the kind of scrutiny that i had to endure to get in. See, he made notes on everything that i do for every 10 minutes.

The evaluation process was totally insane. Even listening to the reading of the results was frustating. BUT, can't complain: I got the job eventually. YAY!

That's one down, and 3 more to go..!! I felt like i'm back in uni, doing 4 intensive courses, where the schedule is too tight and you have to run from one class to another, and your brain is forced to work overtime. I mean, after i finish listening to the one hour review, i jumped in to car and went to company B straightaway to do final preparation for my review tomorrow. I'm like: where's my caffeine?!

(Question: Why is that the most established british institution in Bandung does not serve coffee, they only have teas? English breakfast and Earl Grey, thank you very much. The british are too proud. Yet i love them, i want to work for them.)

Anyway, here's the thing with company A and B. A is very american, the culture, the people, the ways they conduct business, the work ethics and all that are so american. So carefree, so direct and straight foward like "In your face, man!", so alive and so fast paced. Whereas company B, which is the british institute is very cultured, very high society, people are so proper and well manered, the way they behave towards one another is very polished. Love, love, love being surrounded by English accents, since most of the employees are european, i wish to find jude law look alike, or hugh jackman, or christian bale, never mind. haha. Choosing between A and B is tough choice already.

Wait until you see the gallery where i'd been offered a job by my bro's boss. It's too DAMN FANTASTIC!!! I fall in love with the gallery the minute i step into the front door. True, the job wont be as stimulating as it would be when i work for A and B, it would be tedious and i would be required to do many many paperworks. But, how could one resist to manage such a beautiful, classy, milan/manhattan kind of gallery??

YEs, and i'm up to interview stage phase three with company D in jakarta, and AH! company E as well.

HELP!

coming back for more

so, i was back from the second part of my 1 week job interview, from jakarta that is. Because this is the first time i am doing interview for an executive job (yay!), i was surprised with the whole process that takes longer than what i expected. In the past, in all of the interview process that i had to through (i think i did 5 so far), i just went in with my CV, the employer would look at it, ask a few questions, had a little chit chat then they would tell me whether i would be accepted or not. The whole interview process have never gone longer than an hour.

Same thing when i first move to indo. I did an interview with harvard and panasia group. They just looked at the CV and the next minute i was given an employee ID. Therefore, i apply the same method when i am recruiting staff for my own company. One shot, one opportunity. Save time, save money, save energy. So, when these 4 companies that i am applying to keep sending me home and asking me back and forth, i am confused.

Alright, here's the story with the 4 companies. I was applying for a job at company A. I gave the resume and the employer did not even look at it and just said that she is going to call me if she's interested. Then i think, OK, i would not get the job. Because when i'm being the employer, that's what i said to the people i am not interested in.

So i send my CV to the next company, the competitor of company A, i'd say to myself that they are so going to regret it not even looking at my CV, i will work for their competitor!!. But then the same thing happened to company B. The people there just said that they are going to put my CV on the list and the director will contact me later.

So i thought, okay company A and B are way too established, too high standard, too international for me. 90% of their employees are native speakers and expatriates. Probably i'm still too young or too inexperienced for them. So i sent my resume to the third company, a local company that is. Yes, they have branches in surabaya and jakarta, and deal with international clients, but i think i can score this one.WELL, I cant believe my 3 times bad luck in a row. This one even did not say a basa basi for gucci sake. Just take my CV and sent me downstairs. I was like, "God did i do something wrong?" I am a good candidate for those 3 positions, at least give me a shot then reject me!"

SO i went home, disappointed and all that. I think to myself okay i'm just gonna find myself a good husband, be married and be a tante arisan. Nobody wants me to work for them! But that night at dinner, my brother told me that his boss wants me to work for him. Being highly desperate, i just said OK. Any job will do.

Miraculously, a few days after that, the three companies do call really call me and ask me to do interview with them. Scuzi moi! i'm just being a normal person here, being proud of my clumsy self, I think i would just go and do the three interviews just to prove that i can get the three jobs altogether.

Too happy too soon, because i thought when i got an interview, i have already been accepted. Interview is just a formality to talk about salary and working conditions. So i went to interview number one, for company A, where there were a board of directors, instead of one interviewer who were firing me with question after question. I was not prepared to answer them all, especially when i was also expected to answer the question in a correct format,in elaboration, in perfect english, perfect grammar, and no indonesian accents.In the end of the interview, i was like, DAMN i messed it up huge tymes! I did it badly!! Because i could see the interviewers doing "the face" when i answered the questions. They were like going "HUH??" and the "Where the HEW was that coming from??"

But thank Goodness, i met michael corleone for lunch after that bad interview at tomodachi. You all know what a girl needs in a bad day, right! a tiramisu, a straight doze of caffeine and a charming sweet talker in a suit. (HAHA! dont call me to edit this, babe!! not happening!!) But yes, being a person who has done a lot of recruitment, he gives me good interview advices over lunch. The thing is: IT is not about giving the right answer, it is all about giving the right impression. IT does not matter how bad your answer is, if the employers like you, they'll hire you.

To cut the long story short, that was exactly what i did in the next interview. I made the interviewer laughed, kept the answers precise and offer them "me" instead of "good answers". Actually the stories were much more complicated than that, because i had to do 3 stages of interview: doing written test, demo presentation, location visitation, meeting clients and all that. So much to endure for a job interview huh! It has been one week, and the four places (yes i'ms still doing 4 companies!) keep sending me home and calling me to come back for more and more interview sessions. I'm up to interview session stage 3 and we have not talked about salary yet!!!!

Honestly for me, that is the bottom line. I really want to drop my options to only one company. Doing interview after interview with 4 companies are frustating, and there's a fifth company that is offering me a job while i was doing visitation to company no:4. But none of them are telling me how much they are going to pay me. So i cant choose! So there goes my agenda for an upcoming week: more interviews

But like i've told some of my inner circles, i think i'm taking the 4th company, yes the one in kemang, jakarta. So all in all, if it goes well: Jakarta, here i come :) *Pay me a visit in the gallery, y'all!*

the sequel, page one

here's the first posting this year, i have forgotten to do this blog until someone recently msg me in friendster telling me that he does like to read my blog (yes, thank chris! it was you haha. )

the blog was jammin on me somehow, so i cud not write and do posting, but that's okay, i told anyone that my mood in the last 30 days was crap. My mood in the previous 30 before that was even a bigger crap. (what the hew am i talking about? new year and worse grammar) So yeap, it's a good thing that i did not post many writings lately, otherwise pastor D will kill me when he reads them.

Anyhow, there is nothing much that i cud do regarding the crappy mood in past 2 months. Bad things happen to normal people, Very very bad things could happen and there is nothing that you can do to prevent them for happening. Yes, i've told my inner circle, whom i have met in person (international girlfriends, i'll tell you later when we meet) about the very very very very bad things that happened to me and my friends do agree that anyone who has to go through such suffering is allowed to weep and grief.

But hey, as i said in my previous posting, no matter how stormy our lives can be, if we are eager to hold on long enough, God will indeed show that HE is faithful. I am testifying to that! if there is anyone who can be so terpuruk, terpelosok, terjeblos to the deepest mess and terjepit, tertimpa the biggest rock ever at the same time, that person is me two months ago. All i am saying is, if you lost everything that you hold dear to your heart, everything that gives you security and a sense of belonging, everything that matters in terms of surviving life in this world , is taken away from you. That really is the time when your heart is tested. That is the time when your characters, your faith, and your mentality are tested.

When there is nothing left, what do you have left?

When everything that you have fought for is lost, do you still have the courage to start all over again from zero?

When what you know you have is no longer yours, how certain are you about the future?

I almost pass the line of sanity and literally going insane.
Thank God, thank God that i have JC in my life. OTherwise i would have killed myself long time ago. Yes, all of unbelievers out there, here this gurlfriend preach today! This is not an airy fairy religion thing. Knowing God is having a rope that you can grap and prevent you from drawning.

And miraculously, in the blink of an eye, i did not know how and why, but everything seems to take care of themselves. It was not as hard as i imagine. I'm through it without even realising it. and today, i am standing in a better place before the storm. I have an even better life before it was all taken away from me. Just yesterday i was sitting and thinking, being in awe of what God has done in my life.

Everything, all the bad things had to happen so that He could give a better thing for me in the end. IF The bad thing did not take place, i would not have all the good things that i am enjoying at the moment.

So yes, here's my bottom line, here's what's niu with me this year:
i am moving to jakarta
i become a director of an international company
my short term goal is to be promoted for this exec job in manhattan,
the job that charlotte york is having (aaw!)

All of you who has known me must have known that i am dying to live in new york and know what, i am on my way to make my dream come true :)

ah.. yes and i'm single.
someone has thrown me back into the game
dont blame me, it aint my choice. (haha!) i was ready to settle down!
shame on me, the antagonist side is released out of shell
now, where's that little black book of mine?

almost xmas

Phew, Christmas is only a couple of days away, too exciting and too intense for me indeed. Alrite, it has been exciting because we’ve received so many cakes, so many chocolates and puddings at home. This Christmas is also the first time for me to send out chocolate cake to business partners and important clients. How huge is that? I was so touched when I stamped the card with my own company logo and put my signature on it. Not bad for a 21 years old kiddo huh?

Anyway continue, thank goodness that we live in the sms, friendster and msn era, since I am a person who is not very good with making a phone conversation (yes, my girlfriends can testify to that), but sms is a very practical way to ask your friends what to do on Christmas and New year, ah yes and to send greetings eventually. So yes, almost everyday my main conversation topic with my close friends, hang-out friends, hi-bye friends, friend of my friends, and my ex-boyfriends is “entar natalan taun baru ngapain?”

Sadly but true, I cancelled all the traveling plans at the end of this year (sigh), no Beijing, no Shanghai, no Bali, and yes Tirzah darling we need to reschedule tour the US next year (sigh again!). But I will still celebrate Christmas and New Year in style (haha) and in joyful spirit.

So far, my organizer states that I would be in Shierly and Leon’s wedding for Christmas, and Ade’s wedding for New Year. How’s that? Those two couples are celebrating their wedding on Christmas Eve and New Year. Other than that is still indecisive (gloomy)

Some Christmas messages from saint Kryptonite here:

Funny that God puts people in your life, whom are close to your heart, to go through similar kind of tribulation at the same time as you. Life is no co-incident at all. We have met and become close friends to grow together in characters and faith. There is a saying, “misery loves company” (haha). I am not saying I am throwing a self pity party here, by the way, but it’s good to know that what you have to go through is not only your shit. There are other people who are crying at night over the same problem. There are others who are battling and pressing on in regards to the same issue as you, and they are you friends, and if they could make it, so do you. That thought has given me a big relief.

So yes, to my darlings Ruth and Elizabeth: The three of us are the kind of person who thinks over every single detail and aspect of a problem. We cannot bear to stay still or to wait for a second, and we always want to do something about it. Well, I’d say that this really is the time for us to put our eyes on God and keep our hands out off it.

have seen it happening

Be steadfast in prayer,

Stay just for another day longer,

Be hopeful just for another day,

Pressing on, that’s what I intend to do,

I’m not telling anybody just yet,

All they’ll do is just giving me advice I do not need to hear,

All I need is not opinions,

I need the truth,

And there is only one truth once and for all

Eventually I see the light,

It’s not the complete puzzle yet,

But I’ve seen it happening

Therefore, I’m hopeful

Therefore, I know that one day

I will make it through the storm.

On the urge of breaking down

It is too ironic: Insanity is the only drug that keeps her from dying.

How could such a normal, sane, synchronized human being face thousand tribulations at once?

Betrayal

Deception

Indictment

Conviction

Deceit

Fear, Injustice, Liability

She must have been insane or probably in denial, or probably wishing that everything was just a dream, or probably her feeling is already numb.

Yes, she must metamorph into a cold blooded woman, or else a tremendous amount of pain will break her down.

Go on, call the lawyer in, bring in the persecutor, and let the verdict be known. It does not matter what ruling it will be in the end, her soul is already imprisoned. Guilty as charged,

Too many voices in her head, though it differs to those in the schizophrenia cases, that she just wanted to shut down for a while. She does not need to listen to anymore explanations or the chronologies of the incidents.

Explanations are not the answer to fear.

Suddenly everything else seems to be insignificant. Things that used to matter do not matter no more. Gone in 60 seconds her possession is. “What’s left?” she asks herself.

She foresees a thin line between sanity and insanity.

Too many tears, too many sleepless nights, too many nightmares, too many empty sights, too many starvations, too many empty minds, too many unanswered calls, too many anger and disappointments. If there is any way that she could escape, she would flee like a mad fugitive.

Quitting is not a DNA that she possesses

Then the alarm clock rings, the time indicates: 7 a.m. in the morning. Another battle to fight, another day to live, another trial to be attended, so well she takes the longest breathe, and she continues the journey.

There are certain and specific ways that every individual has to go through, there are specific and different amount of responsibilities and burden for every individual, yet different amount of grace to carry those particular burdens. Never envy those whom you think are blessed by a huge amount of grace, because that huge amount of grace might be the only thing that enables them to carry a great deal of burdens that you are not obligated to carry.

stop just there

Any choleric type of person would be able to tell you that his or her life is divided into three parts: planning, doing and achieving. Yes, I’m one of those people who always have a target, a destination to go, a goal to achieve, and so far in these 21 years of my life that characteristic has helped me to excel.

I can handle challenges, overtimes and increases in the level of difficulty. There is only one thing that I cannot handle: waiting. I have admitted the fact that there is a portion that human being can do to the maximum, but there is also another portion that only God can make it happen for you. That is why I have always said you cannot have what is not meant for you and somebody else cannot take what is supposed to be yours. Sometimes, D’Oh! Not sometimes, but almost everytime I am about to pursue something, after all the 100% effort and tears and blood that I put, the expected result takes longer time to come true. Then I’ll be like “come one! God, make it happen now!”

After 21 years of forcing and talking God into doing what I want Him to do, I give up and let God be God. Just like what mr. fx said to me the other day “just chill” (de, I’m going to make it the motto of the year) I’m the one who have to adjust and fit my schedule into his. After all, He knows the best timing for every single thing upon planet earth. John Maxwell once said, everything can be perfect, but when the timing is wrong, it’s messed up. So, I’ve decided to make my waiting worth a while.

Waiting is a part of life. I’ve spent more time in waiting than in achieving. Therefore, I’ve learnt over the years to enjoy those times when we really couldn’t do anything to fix the situation other than “bersukacitalah senantiasa” and “janganlah kamu kuatir akan apapun juga”, until “Tuhan akan memunculkan kebenaranmu” takes place.

There is this one new club that I’d been trying to put my product in. I’ve called here and there, trying to see which Godfathers can help me to build the bridge for me. I’ve met the people, do some negotiations and business lunch, and that’s basically all that I can do. After that, I can only go home and pray, and let God make the owner to accept my proposal. I cannot do anything further. I cannot call them every single day or send flowers every single day to bribe them. All I can do is to wait. I’ve tried to push thing over the edge once, I call the key person every single day, be friends, have lunch, send gifts and everything. But in the end, this is Indonesian business world; a no is still a no. In many instances I have realized,

It does not matter how smart you are, how perfect your execution and skills, how many Godfathers do you have, how flawless your product is, how smooth your negotiation technique is, if you don’t have God’s favor on you: everything is doomed to fail.

And a favour is called a favour because it is given to you for free. I cannot manipulate God to favour me. It’s his choice whether He wants to give it to me or not. SO, in the meantime, while waiting for Him to open up the way, I’ll just have a good time. Do the things that I enjoy doing, while trying not to break the back account, I read and write, sit over a glass of latte while talking to friends, watch fashion TV while burning some calories in the gym, yes some manicure and pedicure as well. You know, enjoying life until my cellphone rings. Just like yesterday, after months of waiting and numbers of “di-pending dulu ajah yah, Bu Caroline”, my new client just ordered a huge amount of product. So huge that it is enough to cover my monthly target. See, life’s good. Good thing happens when you least expect it.

See, many times in life, we stress out on things that actually we could do nothing about. Those “what if” and those “what is going on right now” really do not deserve our attentions, or else we’ll be having wrinkles sooner than we ought to. As long as we have done our parts, just wait and let God be God. In the meantime, want to have coffee with me?

building briddges

I’ve learnt so much about boundaries these days. (People, buy that book immediately. It is sold in the all the time best seller section in every major bookstores worldwide)

There is a difference between hurting and harming.

Going to the dentist might hurt but it will not harm you. It will do you good.

Eating candies does not hurt you but it will harm you eventually.

There are many things in life, many relationships, many decisions and actions that will hurt us for the good, or else harm us eventually.

Interesting facts. And yet, very tricky? Which one is which?

Seeing changes in people that we thought we have always known is intriguing. Could that be a fact that we do not actually know the particular person that well, or may be drastic changes do really take places. There is this one particular close friend whom used to spend every single day with me. If we are not hanging out then we’ll be talking to each other on the phone for countless hours. But then, I don’t know what happen, we just cant do that anymore. We are still the same person and we are still who we are. Nothing drastic has happened in our lives, so what is going on?

May be we are just in different places.

Funny how I can sit in front of this friend whom I have known since we were both in high school, and found out that I cannot talk about things that we used to talk about. The chemistry has changed. The level of trust, proximity and comforts have changed. All of a sudden I see the invisible boundaries that both of us have built against each other.

What do we do then?

I have always been the kind of person who wants to make friendship lasts to the end of day. Mg gurls and I made a pact that one day, we will be sitting in our garden, in our country house of course, having coffee with scone plus jam and cream, talking for hours about our grandchildren and our business empires (haha! Hey, we’ve been blessed with huge dream and vision, don’t blame our ambitions!). But it has only been 5 years, me and this particular friend, and we could not talk to each other anymore. Of course we have sat for coffee and nachos and talk for hours.

When you used to be having a heart-to-heart kind of conversation, the tears-almost-dropped, you-have-to-handle-the-truth kind of conversation with someone, then you will know if your latest conversation is just an airy fairy one.

But then again I learn, I could never lose the friendship. What we have had, we will always have. Things are not always going to be smooth, easy and all sparks up. Any normal long term relationship will always experience a sunny day (everything good), a stormy day (all fights and about) and sometimes some draughts (when everything is dull and crispy haha).

That’s why the boundaries book teaches us not only to have a few of close relationships in our lives. I’m not suggesting anyone to start an affair pretty soon, by all means it is referring to friendship kind of relationships. We should have more than 2 best-friends, more than 5 close friends and unlimited number of friends. This is for the purpose of letting our friends to become a normal human being. They can go through phases in their lives, becoming whoever they want to be, taking any necessary spaces from us temporarily and be back anytime they want to. In the meanwhile, we’ll still have the other best friends and the other close friends to lean on when we need them the most.

Nobody can go through life without the support of solid friendships. Keep that in mind.

I have a rock solid family to whom I can go home to every night for tender loving care and heart-to-heart conversations. But besides that, I also need a solid circle of trust to whom I can share my world with. Anybody who knows me well knows that I am a very open person. I don’t keep anything private about my life. But I don’t tell all my secrets to one person. A best friend knows some parts, another best friend knows another part, yes that burutss gurl, she might have known too much and that’s how I keep myself in balance.

blahblahblah in the morning

it's tuesday, 9:55
it's raining, raining, ow raining.
good excuse for not working.
afterall, there is no staff meeting today, so yesh, the big boss can stay at home and relax
haha

so, i settled down with my latte,
kompas is on.
so proud of mister president
who's getting the doctoral award from japan.
viva yudhoyono!

just purchased another black item yesterday
a black mobilefone
yes, i dyed my hair jetset black, call it a long black now. haha
i manicured my nails in black french mane
i even bought a pair of black metalic shoes
it goes well with my black chloe and guess handbags
yes, black is my theme for 2007
(well, not that i'm joining the dark side)
it's classic and dramatic

speaking of black, i'm so tempted to open the little black book
mr. big is back
scorpio is hanging around the corner
and don corleone is about to turn 25 soon
yes, all the antagonist players are out.
......

rite,
the story is yet,
to be continued...

something worth knowing

• Indeed, there is such thing as fate and destiny. Life is predestined
• Therefore I’ll say, take a chill-pill and cast your care on God.
• It’s good to force a smile or laughter sometimes. Afterall, your emotions follow what your brain tells them to do. So, happy feeling is a fruit of determination.

• it's good to stand in front of the mirror and say out loud "I have confidence"
• freedom is being content and not wanting the life that someone else's has
• fulfillment is found when you know where you belong and where you are going
• There are times when you think, that you should have been in a position that someone else is in, you said "I can do it better than him or her". But the truth is, life is predestined. You cannot have what is not meant for you and someone else cannot have what is supposed to be yours

• Giving up is easy. Staying in and pressing on, that what defines a solid attitude.
• It is harder to be left by someone who loves us other than someone whom we love. True? Try it for yourself, you’ll see.
• Okay, let me elaborate: when you have already given your 100%, then when you lose it eventually, you’ll have nothing to lose anymore. But when you have always been the receiver, you’ll lose so much when you actually lose someone who has given you everything. Why? Because everybody always regret things that have been taken for granted. So, I’m just saying: regret feels sucks. Because “later on” will always come.
• FACT: you will never lose someone whom you love (because they will regret the fact that they lose you already, so they’ll stay around “just in case” they will have their second chance), but you will lose someone who has loved you much (because they will end up with someone who love them much more than you do). I’ve lived for 21 years and 10 months and I can swear for Gucci sake that this is true.

holding my breath

tell me,
what do i gotta do?
because my pulse is racing fast
too hard to breathe

okay, so i just heard another "heart-breaker" story last night.
right.
remember our talk last night, girl? *you know who you are*
we want someone who loves us more than we do love him,
but aint that how it worked on the first place?
They love us so much that we trusted them
and when we finally learnt to love them back
they break our hearts.

yes yes, same old story, just different players.

we thought it's going to be different, but eventually found ourselves singing the same old song.

But, i tell you what,
It does not bring me down as it used to be,
well we are turning 22 pretty soon, huh?
we've learnt from experiences that

love
is not always what looks like on the outside
is not always what is happening at the moment
is not always what you feel or you think it is

i just know that it does not matter how many times our hearts had been stomped on, life goes on. Keep on stepping, girlfriend.

IF he aint worth it, God is not going to permit him to have you in the end.
Not good enuf for His precious daughter, huh :)

for all in all

yes, a totally blessed sunday afternoon it has been. For the first time i heard Franky preached. Been listening to his music over the past 8 years, but never once seeing him delivering a sermon. He's a great preacher, i might say that. He does not try to fit into "the indonesian preacher"'s style, he's just being Franky, which is totally great. Well, but he does not wear the blonde hair and the tattoo this time, it's a total clean cut version of him.

The message, ah the message had brought me into tears. What could have caused more tears than an annointed teaching on the GRACE OF GOD.

Franky said,

Some people live in a life that is fullfiling the needs and wants of oneself
Some people live in a life that judges the life of others whom they thought they envy
Some people work so hard to prove something, to be a good person, to earn respect
and some people,
know that they are loved for who they are.
There is nothing that they could or should have been doing to receive such grace
They are living their lives for something that is bigger than life itself.

colosians 1:16 (For gucci sake, i remember the verse on top of my head)
"For everything is created by him", not finished there, "and for him"
well, that's life purpose: decoded.

why?

just be careful when you pray
because HE might just anwered it rightaway,
and when all the answers are laid out before you

you get confused.

we shouldn't have crossed each other path anymore
you suppose to be my history, not my future.
now that you are back in my life
what do i gotta do with you?

you are a beautiful intruder, mister.

*kamu yang paling mengerti saya dan kamu yang mendewasakan saya. mungkinkah kamu yang terbaik buat saya?*

i dont know,
but we will find out the answer,
very soon.

that is a promise.