almost xmas

Phew, Christmas is only a couple of days away, too exciting and too intense for me indeed. Alrite, it has been exciting because we’ve received so many cakes, so many chocolates and puddings at home. This Christmas is also the first time for me to send out chocolate cake to business partners and important clients. How huge is that? I was so touched when I stamped the card with my own company logo and put my signature on it. Not bad for a 21 years old kiddo huh?

Anyway continue, thank goodness that we live in the sms, friendster and msn era, since I am a person who is not very good with making a phone conversation (yes, my girlfriends can testify to that), but sms is a very practical way to ask your friends what to do on Christmas and New year, ah yes and to send greetings eventually. So yes, almost everyday my main conversation topic with my close friends, hang-out friends, hi-bye friends, friend of my friends, and my ex-boyfriends is “entar natalan taun baru ngapain?”

Sadly but true, I cancelled all the traveling plans at the end of this year (sigh), no Beijing, no Shanghai, no Bali, and yes Tirzah darling we need to reschedule tour the US next year (sigh again!). But I will still celebrate Christmas and New Year in style (haha) and in joyful spirit.

So far, my organizer states that I would be in Shierly and Leon’s wedding for Christmas, and Ade’s wedding for New Year. How’s that? Those two couples are celebrating their wedding on Christmas Eve and New Year. Other than that is still indecisive (gloomy)

Some Christmas messages from saint Kryptonite here:

Funny that God puts people in your life, whom are close to your heart, to go through similar kind of tribulation at the same time as you. Life is no co-incident at all. We have met and become close friends to grow together in characters and faith. There is a saying, “misery loves company” (haha). I am not saying I am throwing a self pity party here, by the way, but it’s good to know that what you have to go through is not only your shit. There are other people who are crying at night over the same problem. There are others who are battling and pressing on in regards to the same issue as you, and they are you friends, and if they could make it, so do you. That thought has given me a big relief.

So yes, to my darlings Ruth and Elizabeth: The three of us are the kind of person who thinks over every single detail and aspect of a problem. We cannot bear to stay still or to wait for a second, and we always want to do something about it. Well, I’d say that this really is the time for us to put our eyes on God and keep our hands out off it.

have seen it happening

Be steadfast in prayer,

Stay just for another day longer,

Be hopeful just for another day,

Pressing on, that’s what I intend to do,

I’m not telling anybody just yet,

All they’ll do is just giving me advice I do not need to hear,

All I need is not opinions,

I need the truth,

And there is only one truth once and for all

Eventually I see the light,

It’s not the complete puzzle yet,

But I’ve seen it happening

Therefore, I’m hopeful

Therefore, I know that one day

I will make it through the storm.

On the urge of breaking down

It is too ironic: Insanity is the only drug that keeps her from dying.

How could such a normal, sane, synchronized human being face thousand tribulations at once?

Betrayal

Deception

Indictment

Conviction

Deceit

Fear, Injustice, Liability

She must have been insane or probably in denial, or probably wishing that everything was just a dream, or probably her feeling is already numb.

Yes, she must metamorph into a cold blooded woman, or else a tremendous amount of pain will break her down.

Go on, call the lawyer in, bring in the persecutor, and let the verdict be known. It does not matter what ruling it will be in the end, her soul is already imprisoned. Guilty as charged,

Too many voices in her head, though it differs to those in the schizophrenia cases, that she just wanted to shut down for a while. She does not need to listen to anymore explanations or the chronologies of the incidents.

Explanations are not the answer to fear.

Suddenly everything else seems to be insignificant. Things that used to matter do not matter no more. Gone in 60 seconds her possession is. “What’s left?” she asks herself.

She foresees a thin line between sanity and insanity.

Too many tears, too many sleepless nights, too many nightmares, too many empty sights, too many starvations, too many empty minds, too many unanswered calls, too many anger and disappointments. If there is any way that she could escape, she would flee like a mad fugitive.

Quitting is not a DNA that she possesses

Then the alarm clock rings, the time indicates: 7 a.m. in the morning. Another battle to fight, another day to live, another trial to be attended, so well she takes the longest breathe, and she continues the journey.

There are certain and specific ways that every individual has to go through, there are specific and different amount of responsibilities and burden for every individual, yet different amount of grace to carry those particular burdens. Never envy those whom you think are blessed by a huge amount of grace, because that huge amount of grace might be the only thing that enables them to carry a great deal of burdens that you are not obligated to carry.

stop just there

Any choleric type of person would be able to tell you that his or her life is divided into three parts: planning, doing and achieving. Yes, I’m one of those people who always have a target, a destination to go, a goal to achieve, and so far in these 21 years of my life that characteristic has helped me to excel.

I can handle challenges, overtimes and increases in the level of difficulty. There is only one thing that I cannot handle: waiting. I have admitted the fact that there is a portion that human being can do to the maximum, but there is also another portion that only God can make it happen for you. That is why I have always said you cannot have what is not meant for you and somebody else cannot take what is supposed to be yours. Sometimes, D’Oh! Not sometimes, but almost everytime I am about to pursue something, after all the 100% effort and tears and blood that I put, the expected result takes longer time to come true. Then I’ll be like “come one! God, make it happen now!”

After 21 years of forcing and talking God into doing what I want Him to do, I give up and let God be God. Just like what mr. fx said to me the other day “just chill” (de, I’m going to make it the motto of the year) I’m the one who have to adjust and fit my schedule into his. After all, He knows the best timing for every single thing upon planet earth. John Maxwell once said, everything can be perfect, but when the timing is wrong, it’s messed up. So, I’ve decided to make my waiting worth a while.

Waiting is a part of life. I’ve spent more time in waiting than in achieving. Therefore, I’ve learnt over the years to enjoy those times when we really couldn’t do anything to fix the situation other than “bersukacitalah senantiasa” and “janganlah kamu kuatir akan apapun juga”, until “Tuhan akan memunculkan kebenaranmu” takes place.

There is this one new club that I’d been trying to put my product in. I’ve called here and there, trying to see which Godfathers can help me to build the bridge for me. I’ve met the people, do some negotiations and business lunch, and that’s basically all that I can do. After that, I can only go home and pray, and let God make the owner to accept my proposal. I cannot do anything further. I cannot call them every single day or send flowers every single day to bribe them. All I can do is to wait. I’ve tried to push thing over the edge once, I call the key person every single day, be friends, have lunch, send gifts and everything. But in the end, this is Indonesian business world; a no is still a no. In many instances I have realized,

It does not matter how smart you are, how perfect your execution and skills, how many Godfathers do you have, how flawless your product is, how smooth your negotiation technique is, if you don’t have God’s favor on you: everything is doomed to fail.

And a favour is called a favour because it is given to you for free. I cannot manipulate God to favour me. It’s his choice whether He wants to give it to me or not. SO, in the meantime, while waiting for Him to open up the way, I’ll just have a good time. Do the things that I enjoy doing, while trying not to break the back account, I read and write, sit over a glass of latte while talking to friends, watch fashion TV while burning some calories in the gym, yes some manicure and pedicure as well. You know, enjoying life until my cellphone rings. Just like yesterday, after months of waiting and numbers of “di-pending dulu ajah yah, Bu Caroline”, my new client just ordered a huge amount of product. So huge that it is enough to cover my monthly target. See, life’s good. Good thing happens when you least expect it.

See, many times in life, we stress out on things that actually we could do nothing about. Those “what if” and those “what is going on right now” really do not deserve our attentions, or else we’ll be having wrinkles sooner than we ought to. As long as we have done our parts, just wait and let God be God. In the meantime, want to have coffee with me?

building briddges

I’ve learnt so much about boundaries these days. (People, buy that book immediately. It is sold in the all the time best seller section in every major bookstores worldwide)

There is a difference between hurting and harming.

Going to the dentist might hurt but it will not harm you. It will do you good.

Eating candies does not hurt you but it will harm you eventually.

There are many things in life, many relationships, many decisions and actions that will hurt us for the good, or else harm us eventually.

Interesting facts. And yet, very tricky? Which one is which?

Seeing changes in people that we thought we have always known is intriguing. Could that be a fact that we do not actually know the particular person that well, or may be drastic changes do really take places. There is this one particular close friend whom used to spend every single day with me. If we are not hanging out then we’ll be talking to each other on the phone for countless hours. But then, I don’t know what happen, we just cant do that anymore. We are still the same person and we are still who we are. Nothing drastic has happened in our lives, so what is going on?

May be we are just in different places.

Funny how I can sit in front of this friend whom I have known since we were both in high school, and found out that I cannot talk about things that we used to talk about. The chemistry has changed. The level of trust, proximity and comforts have changed. All of a sudden I see the invisible boundaries that both of us have built against each other.

What do we do then?

I have always been the kind of person who wants to make friendship lasts to the end of day. Mg gurls and I made a pact that one day, we will be sitting in our garden, in our country house of course, having coffee with scone plus jam and cream, talking for hours about our grandchildren and our business empires (haha! Hey, we’ve been blessed with huge dream and vision, don’t blame our ambitions!). But it has only been 5 years, me and this particular friend, and we could not talk to each other anymore. Of course we have sat for coffee and nachos and talk for hours.

When you used to be having a heart-to-heart kind of conversation, the tears-almost-dropped, you-have-to-handle-the-truth kind of conversation with someone, then you will know if your latest conversation is just an airy fairy one.

But then again I learn, I could never lose the friendship. What we have had, we will always have. Things are not always going to be smooth, easy and all sparks up. Any normal long term relationship will always experience a sunny day (everything good), a stormy day (all fights and about) and sometimes some draughts (when everything is dull and crispy haha).

That’s why the boundaries book teaches us not only to have a few of close relationships in our lives. I’m not suggesting anyone to start an affair pretty soon, by all means it is referring to friendship kind of relationships. We should have more than 2 best-friends, more than 5 close friends and unlimited number of friends. This is for the purpose of letting our friends to become a normal human being. They can go through phases in their lives, becoming whoever they want to be, taking any necessary spaces from us temporarily and be back anytime they want to. In the meanwhile, we’ll still have the other best friends and the other close friends to lean on when we need them the most.

Nobody can go through life without the support of solid friendships. Keep that in mind.

I have a rock solid family to whom I can go home to every night for tender loving care and heart-to-heart conversations. But besides that, I also need a solid circle of trust to whom I can share my world with. Anybody who knows me well knows that I am a very open person. I don’t keep anything private about my life. But I don’t tell all my secrets to one person. A best friend knows some parts, another best friend knows another part, yes that burutss gurl, she might have known too much and that’s how I keep myself in balance.