the thought that comes after a cup of coffee

lately, just have loads of thoughts about fear
what do you fear, what scares you the most?
it takes sumtymes before i realised my fear of being defeated
i dont want to fail or not winning or being helpless
i want to control my environment
have a plan, and confide in what i am doing
if i am not, then i stressed out
i freak out like a mad woman
in business policy 320 the term is called 'uncertainty avoidance'
you cannot handle ambiguity, your level of tolerance against risk is low
therefore, you are creating institution, rules and boundaries
simply to manage your risk and maximise the chane of winning
but no matter how well you manage your risk
no matter how well your preparation is
F E A R
is a phase that every mere human being has to face
i want to get it over and done with
it is one phase before you really enter the real battle
is a f i g h t a g a i n s t y o u r s e l f
how are you coping with your fear?
how do you overcome it?
i like to sink deep in silence, of course with companionship of caffeine
negative thought keeps rolling around
you keep portraying the worst case scenario
what if i can cope with the consequence, with the defeat?
i'm only one second away from insanity
GOD
and only God whom can reach to me at this critical turning point
been there, done that
in the end, DO THE MOST THAT YOU CAN DO AND EXPECT GOD TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE
and while you are walking in dark valley,
a coffee partner and a hand that will hold yours are always helpful

omat-omat neng lincew, also known as wedang jahe or kuliah padat

in making money:

accept the fact, that once u know u can make money, greed will come to haunt you
your pride is unleashed and one night victory can kill the humility in you
get a grip on yourself
you never know how ambitious you are,
how cruel you can be
until u taste how good it is to be on top of the world

never tell yourself that u've made it to the top
because there is no such thing as an overnight success
tonight you might be a billionaire
and in a speed of a blink, you realised that u have lost everything that u earned

your true measure of capability
is not defined by how much money you have in your bank account, now
u can be totally broke now
but you know that tomorrow you are going to turn the table arround

no matter how genius you are
no matter how briliant the business idea tat u have
no matter how confidence you are that one day you are going to conquer the world
if you never taste how it feels like to be at the most undignified position
if you never know the term submission to the authority
if you never learn the term dedication in doing the least important job
just screw yourself because you lose the first step already

in relationship:

the key in relationship is time
learn as much, while you still have the time
girls, dont trust every word that your men say until they are being proven overtime
dont declare love if you have not seen your lover at his or her lowest turning point,or the "before" version
dont dwell in toxic relationship, eventhough you still love the person, time will heal
it can be the right person, it is not always the right time

in friendships:

classify your friends in groups
those whom you allow to see your outer skin
those whom you allow to see you heart
those whom you pour your heart into

in studying:

screw your ego, dont pursue education JUST BECAUSE
you think that a particular degree from a particular university will earn you an acknowledgement from your society
your worth is just as far as how much you value your self
pursue your passion and by doing that you know you accomplish the true education

in the search for truth:

keep searching until you have no more doubt in your faith
search with desperation and obsession, i'm serious!
once you find the truth, hold unto it.
keep believing and following eventhough the road is rocky
i can testify that HE never fails me yesterday, today and tomorrow

in enjoying lyfe:

what's the point of having million bucks in your bank account but you are not spending it for your personal pleasure? Asians, learn from bule, will ya!! splurge urself if you dont want to get heart attack too soon

in treating yourself

love yourself, dont be a narcist though, respect yourself, value yourself highly
the way you treat yourself will be a measure on how others will treat you

if you have a low self-esteem
you are more likely to accept bad treatment from others
because your security comes from other people recognition

you deserve to be treated with respect by everyone and anyone
but in return, treat others with respect and show everyone your kind appreciation

walk with your chest up, look at other people in the eye and speak up your mind
dont look down on other people,
even the weakest one has a story to tell
but dont think that other people are too high to reach
even kings have soft side that you can touch

last but not least, live your lyfe to the fullest

road trip kta duluuu banget..

me, adel, ivan and anto

the start of: winter/study week/the fever

me and vanessa (look mum! i'm skinny, seen my cheekbonez?)

the date is the sixth of the sixth (06/06), gloomy monday afternoon, heavy raining outside, me locate at abacus lab, a big mug of homemade espresso and irish cream, filled up with cinnamon shortbread breakfast, listening to my ipod mini: track 112 "Hope" by twista and faith evanz, soundtrack of my latest favourite "coach carter", in which the review i just watched at Dr. Phil show today. I think samuel L jackon is rockingly faboulous. However, the REAL ken carter is smashing all the way. Well, pardon my english language grammar this morning, i screwed everthing this morning because a straight attack of caffeine to my brain just killed my linguistic, literature sense. Bloody hew! i have an awesome day dough!! I slept til 12 afternoon today, due regards to my boyfriend who wouldnt let me sleep "too early", according to his definition. We played with "lie detector" machine last night, hahahaha, he caught me off guard, he found out that all this tyme i lie about my gender. I am not a woman. well, too bad he trust the lie detector much more than he trust me. Anyhow, i was meeting my finest jewel, vanessa tis morning for a quick update on what's been happening to us lately. then i am off to studying til 8 then i will go for dinner at terazza (again!) with my gurls. Fely's engagement is this saturday. cant be more excited!

anyway, i'm about to post something just for an evidence, it think it is more accurate in portraying the truth in comparison to a lie detector. Ladies, have you ever dreamt of that you will be in a relationship in which your man tries to give you as much security as you have demanded? Well in the past 2 months , i've bragged so much about how uncertain, how fragile, how risky and how "there's no future" for my relationship. I have mentioned before as well, that my bf and I are too stubborn, too arrogant, too proud with our ego and pride, too selfish and too manipulative towards each other. I've never had this kind of relationship before, where we have to argue in everything to settle an issue. I've always thought that there is no way we could make this work, it is just a matter of tyme that we would go in our separate ways.

However, funnily enuf, the more we argue, the more we play manipulative games with each other, the deeper the feeling is growing, the stronger the attachment becomes day by day. There has not been any guy that i know that can relate to me, argue with me intesively to this level before hahahaha. This relationship brings me headache big tymes, but it also brings out the best of me. Knowing this deep feeling is growing inside of me, i was afraid. ever been in a situation where you know that you are going to fall? i refuse to fall, therefore my brain intervenes to undertake risk management hahaha.

Tymes and tymes again i throw my arguments and analysis on why we should have ended this relationship as soon as possible. The circumstances are not supportive, then again there are differences in our circle of culture and mindframe, there are differences in our values, principles plus the uncertainty of our future, our characters and personality that will hurt each other unconsciously bla bla bla. In short, this relationship is too hard. let's break up!

I have to praise my boyfriend, for not giving up on me, YET! hahaha he knows how to answer allboth my reasonable and unreasonable point of view and he's being emotionally mature. I have not find this quality in many men that i met in my lyfe hahaha. He knows what he is doing, what he wants and how to get what he wants. HE knows where he stands and know his expectations and limitations. Being a mere human being, he has done the best of what a man can possibly do to fight for a relationship. the key words here being: commitment, willingness to change, to learn and to give, humility, understanding, acceptance and trust. Babe, i have to publish this thing here, because i trust you but i dont trust you. you know what i mean hahaha if everything that u have said to me is a lie and that it is just a part of your game, then i'll let the world know. but if u are truly a man of character, i'll let the world knows too, that i'm trully blessed to have you. For this very present tyme, i have decided tat tis guy is worth it to fight for, and the rest, just say that time will tell.

if you do know

if you do know the answer, please let me know

if you do know the end of this crossroad
please just go and i dont mind waiting here

if you know how deep the feeling that i have towards you by now
then please,
dont question me anymore

if you know that for me to be with you,
i have chosen to take the rocky roads
then please,
don't justify yourself, just stand by my side would you?

if you do know that when i am with you
i cant trust my brain anymore
i cant even trust my heart
but then you also know that i cant trust you

if you know that whom you hurt the most is me,

would you please, at least dont make me cry tonight

if you do know that the molecules in my head numerous and uncontrollable
you know that i do not need neither understanding nor reasonable doubt
draw me close to you,
and i know i'll be alright